Amanda’s journal

Moments from this week

2026-06-14T16:42:21Z

I got out my old morning pages and Artist’s Way notebooks from 2015 and was reading over them. I have started daily pages again as I read through my old notebooks and journals, and I’m loving this routine.

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Test post

2026-06-10T00:13:06Z

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What I miss about the early (1996-2000) World Wide Web

2026-06-02T22:09:35Z

A simple HTML design that I could do based on memory, or off the top of my head, without the site being thought of as too plain or ugly
No real names, no real-life photos of myself or the interior of my home
The Internet was dominated by kind of counter-cultural people
Inclusive, fanciful, random webrings featuring beautiful graphics for logos that I just joined for the heck of it, or to have another pretty image on my webrings page
People’s galleries of collected fantasy art (Sue Dawe, Jonathan Earl Bowser, people like that) that I just pored over forever
People’s original web graphics, like Moyra’s Web Jewels, and other amazing works
No AI junk (until 2023, really)
Handing out and receiving little graphical web awards just for the heck of it
College professor personal home pages
Blogs were for ranting, not curated, honed representations of one’s perfect self, home, whatever
No visible "friends," followers, subscriptions, whatever
No like or reblog buttons
No dopamine

I feel like I'm on to something... sort of. It's like I want to de-program myself, or re-program myself, or something... How would I go about doing that? I've got to make the potatoes. I'm 10 minutes late to that.

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Just seeing where this yearning takes me

2026-06-01T22:07:04Z

I was feeling that old yearning today for early 00's BJD culture, defined by a simpler, sparser marketplace and a dearth of networks.

Related to this, but not exactly the same thing, are two other yearnings. These two yearnings are for things that I feel like have revived or reinvented themselves after my years for pining for them, and seeing the new communities hurts my heart, because it isn't what I took from those things, it isn't what I want from those things... and I feel more at sea and confused than I would if these two things had not been reinvented or revived on the Internet.

So... I hope you will hear me out. I want to be fair and balanced in my assessment, not criticize the creative visions of others. Also, if you have a thought about this at all, I would be interested to hear about it, because I go around and around about it in my mind. If it keeps haunting me, I will probably have to take it to Reddit... and I don't know how that will turn out.

Well, early 00's BJD culture cannot, I think, ever be revived. It has gone on and on uninterrupted for over two decades now. Even the end of Den of Angels will not significantly impact it, because the culture has been largely social media dependent for so many years.

If someone were to ask me what I wanted with my BJD hobby, participation, and activities, I would have a very clear and detailed response. Then, if they were to follow up, asking why I had not really done those things for the majority of those twenty years... this queasy feeling at the pit of my stomach, that I first got after I looked at Ophelia and Shelley 20+ years ago and felt the stillness and waiting in the room... that fear of creating... that's the answer. In short, I don't need anyone else to do anything differently in order for me to do my BJD hobby the way I want to. I need to find the courage to do it. I think that's the first time I've admitted that in this journal, too, and I've had this journal for 8, nearly 9 years now. So maybe this is a new beginning.

Anyway, the other two yearnings are gothic subculture and early 00's personal home page building.

I'll start with the web building. Okay. I know there has been a massive revitalization of early 00's web design. There is Neocities, and there are even other sites like that that I've seen. It's quite big. These sites are so intrinsically different than web sites from the early 00's that it hurts me deeply. They are different in terms of design as well as content. So different that if I were to make a site the way I thought it should be made... which I don't even know if I can because there's no discourse to be a part of... I would look like an old fart on Neocities.

These nostalgia-driven sites are so busy, so multi-layered, so multifaceted, deeply embedded in discourses and ways of being that really did not exist in a pre-smartphone world. It really struck me when I looked back at sites I found on places like Angelfire and Tripod that haven't been edited since they were left there by a teen 25-30 years ago, and everything about the sites including layout, language, images, etc. spoke so painfully as hallmarks of my generation, Generation X, that it really cut me to the quick to think of sites now, and how they are, in every way, a hallmark of a generation (Generation Z) that is so very, very different from my generation. Sorry, I know I'm leaving the millennials out, and most of my contacts here are millennials. Honestly, in ten years, ya'll might see and recognize something like what I am seeing now, a new generation sort of riffing off your identity, and be rather cut to the quick by it, too. You don't really know until you see it.

Sometimes, I feel yearning for my old homepages, and to make new ones, like I did. But I don't know what to do with that yearning. Because I don't want to enter the discourse of Neocities or similar sites. The webrings and things I belonged to... were really different, and those kinds of themes and aesthetics are not around now.

The last yearning is about gothic subculture, and this is more of a full-on complaint combined with actionable material on my part.

Gothic subculture was one of the first things I discovered on the Internet. I was drawn to it like it was my true north. Not really in the sense of dressing the part, though. Gothic literature (old literature), and eventually gothic rock music, romantic gothic aesthetics, deep interests in compassion for animals, social and environmental justice, things like that were all things I associated with gothic subculture. It truly seemed to me, from about the year 2000 and for the next 12 years or so, and I could be completely wrong, that you could in fact totally "be a goth" recognizable to others with a similar mindset without ever needing to dress more flamboyantly than a band T-shirt, or something somber and black and/or romantic, or something grungy. You didn't need to know anything about hair or makeup. You just needed to have the interests, the feelings, the discourse, the gothic sympathies, as it were.

Well, what "gothic subculture" looks to me now is this: very, very intense makeup that very often includes whitefacing and blacking out the neck, a kind of almost cookie cutter eyeliner and contouring look as well, extreme clothing with nails sticking out, bondage straps, lots of skin showing... and... most importantly, be some kind of social media influencer. It's like... there's no music I've detected in it, no love for old literature or paintings, no living your authentic grungy life... it's very aesthetic, and it hurts me to see the "influencers" and feel like there's nothing behind them.

There has always been something a little contentious about calling anything or anyone "goth," especially yourself, and it could be that the kind of people I'm thinking of have just sort of ducked out... like they must have done in the BJD scene, now doing... who knows what. Connected to their close friends, but not to any kind of hub like there once was. I don't know if I'm making any sense...

But... ha ha... I'm out of time and have to make some hummus now, so this is it for now.

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Nice weekend

2026-06-01T11:12:33Z

I had a good weekend...

Nathan put together the new laundry hamper furniture, and I watched and provided moral support, for most of Saturday. I gave him my dark brown bookcase for his singing bowls, and he took out the light brown bookcase. And he put up the new brackets for the new curtain rods, and I put those up. I'm going to take out a section in each, because they're too long.

Friday night, we ate at a new restaurant... so good and unique to what we've had before in the way of Indian food. There was not even a sign on the old building it was in, so it definitely felt like our old adventures, going to somewhere unfamiliar and opening the door... not sure what we will find.

I resurrected my photo-taking this weekend too, and visited three cemeteries: Wyatt's Chapel (in a shopping center parking lot), Grimsley, and Calvary, which is right behind a Market Street. Grimsley was definitely my favorite... secluded and tree-shaded, with many very old graves.

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16" Fashion Dolls are Still a Thing

2026-05-25T18:27:44Z

For a while, I was thinking the 16" fashion doll world was gone with the closure of Tonner Dolls, and it might have been. No more Ellowyne Wilde or Evangeline Ghastly, which seemed to inspire so much of the craft market. No more Sybarites. No more Fashion Doll Quarterly or Haute Doll. Phew, the 2010's were such a time.

I still had some dreams left over from the 2010's and asked my husband for Tonner Nu Mood Breathless for my birthday a couple of years ago. I have had a number of Tonner dolls over the years, but ended up selling them all. Nu Mood Breathless is the one that really fits with my aesthetic.

Finding accounts of interest on Instagram is harder than ever, but I have managed to find a few 16" doll kindred spirits lately. And D.A.E. Originals even followed me back, OMG.

I found out that Robert Tonner is still designing, but his works are now sold through the Virtual Doll Convention website. Right now, he has a gorgeous doll named Lacie Churchill, who is so tempting, and is probably going to go for twice as much on the secondhand market... like Nu Mood Breathless did... but I've honestly got too many dolls.

A couple of years ago, I attended a local doll market, which was a lot of fun. I splurged on a D.A.E. Originals Vivian the Miniquin La Vie en Rose. She even has the artist's signature on her back, but it actually looks like he signed her -- not just a print or whatever -- which makes her even more special. I named her Shalott because she reminded me of Emilie Autumn.

Recently, I posted a couple of things on Instagram, a reel of Shalott and some photos of Rose, my Nu Mood Breathless. I have been getting zero interaction with my posts since I came back to Instagram after a year, so I followed some Internet advice and made a reel, LOL. I really feel like I'm playing the game now. I hate it so much. Damn Meta. I hope so much I can find a non-AI, non-algorithm-game social media site where doll people participate. But for now, it's Instagram for me.

My D.A.E. doll is from 2007, but D.A.E. looks like they have resurrected their dolls. They are now resin and articulated...pricey, but I'm excited because they are making outfits, which is really what I need.

Also, even R&D is making a comeback. They released a 16" outfit, but didn't even mention their Angels in describing who it fits. Makes me sad. I love my Angel dolls, and the Angels and Mensajero are so rare. The early Angels, my favorite, are so delicate, chip easily, lose their face paint, with no easy way to fix them, but there is just something about them. I thought about emailing and asking R&D if their outfit fits the Angels, but I'm afraid they will say something like, ew, throw those dolls in the trash. Am I the only one on the planet who perceives their ethereal beauty through the flaws?

Maybe I will post my Angels and Mensajero on Instagram and see if the creators will interact through that platform... maybe they will see someone loves the Angels.

Lastly, there's Gene. Gene's outfits are stunning, cost about $30, rather than the $150-$200 that current 16" doll outfits cost, but the catch is... they only fit Gene. And Google AI will tell you they fit Tonner and others, but they absolutely do not. Gene is smaller than all those other dolls. So, after buying all these gorgeous Gene outfits, with failure after failure... I bought a Gene, beautiful, articulated, not yellowed, $50, but with crushed eyelashes I'm hoping I can coax back up. I associate Gene as the first really popular 16" fashion doll, but my knowledge could be off. In any case, now I have another doll coming... ugh... but I'm so excited there still a community, at least for these 16" fashion dolls.

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The Roman Spring of Mrs. Stone (1961) - great outfits and hair, bad choice in men

2026-05-24T22:07:59Z

I stayed up really late last night and watched The Roman Spring of Mrs. Stone. I have always wanted to see that movie, and I found a VHS of it in a record store while Nathan was shopping there Friday night. It was supposed to be depressing, and it sort of was, but also sort of baffling. It was about a wealthy former actress, recently widowed, who has an affair with a younger Italian man. She falls in love with him, but he's just heartless, and toxic, and trying to get money out of her. So she feels at the end like she just has to throw her life away after she sees him hooking up with a young actress.

But for me, it was all about Vivien Leigh, whom I loved when I was a teenager, 1960s fashion, home decor, and makeup. In high school, I searched the world over for VHS tapes of her movies but only found a few. I couldn't pass this one up in the record store, if anything just for homage of my younger self.

Her outfits were incredible, though, especially the iconic one-shoulder dress in a kind of greenish-beige. I don't know what kind of contraption is needed to make your bust look that way. I will admit I was researching vintage bras before I started this post trying to figure out if one could work for me. And I wanted all the things on her dressing table. It was really cool to see Vivien Leigh just a year older than the year I am now.

I have been taking every opportunity to smell the Chanel and Dior collections at Ulta and Sephora... trying to figure out if I want to take the plunge for a really complex vintage-like scent. My favorites are Chanel No. 5 L'eau and Chanel Gabrielle Essence. I hem and haw about it. I'm reluctant to invest in a somewhat large bottle of expensive scent, especially one that is a little edgy amongst the kinds of scents worn today.

If I do get the 1960s bra, I'm definitely going to get the vintage perfume to go with it, though.

I dropped a whole bunch of money this morning on home decor and organization, focused on the bedroom today:

A new laundry hamper. The old one is cloth and very stained, and this one is a real piece of furniture that opens and closes.

New frames for some art prints Nathan received as gifts and a large canvas frame for a painting Nathan's cousin-in-law painted for us for a wedding gift, that has been frameless for many years after the old frame fell apart. These three custom frames were really expensive!

Black curtain rods that are large and strong enough to support the heavier white curtains I have for the bedroom.

A new bedrest pillow for me in white. The old one doesn't have a removable cover, has gotten old and stained, and is just too large, actually.

A new bed tray for me in black. The varnish or something on the old one is sticky and gross.

A globe. I have been wanting one, and it will continue the pops of blue color from the artwork nicely. The room is all white with dark brown furniture and black accents, so the spots of bright blue will look really nice.

I got some archival plastic sleeves and cardboard backing for my Women's Home Companion magazine from the early 1900s. It was expensive, but it's a relief to feel like they'll have some protection. Right now, there's no good way to store them without compromising them.

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Ended up mostly being about dogs…

2026-05-16T14:36:53Z

I’m kind of buzzing right now after a very good night’s sleep followed by a cup with generous scoops of Tea India CTC. I got these magnesium “relax and calm” chews from Sprouts to help me with anxiety toward the flight, and I think they have been helping me sleep, which I did not expect. I have been taking them in the evenings after dinner. I actually researched what kind of THC gummies or similar that are legal in Texas (or any cannabis product I can buy in NYC) might work, and even Xanax, but my takeaway was that it can make things worse if you don’t know how it’s going to interact with your body, and I didn’t have time to make a doctor’s appointment to talk it over with her. I am pretty drug-sensitive, so I want to proceed with caution. I already take Lexapro, and I really like how it has helped me, so I don’t want to mess with my good things. I’ve also been diligent with the Vitamin C.

I downloaded the rest of the episodes for Mr. Sahara and Toki-kun and Meet You at the Blossom to watch in-flight. Lots of fun, light BL will really help.

I got a new issue of Poets & Writer’s magazine yesterday that I’m excited about. I’m not taking it on the trip, but I do plan to read it in the mornings when we get back and find some presses or contests to submit to, or at least give me an idea of how to shape this huge file of writing I have. It’s the first time I’ve opened an issue of that magazine in years. It gave me a lot of feelings to contend with, because I have thoroughly buried my writerly ambitions for many years, and I need to sort through how and why I have done that. It feels a little heavy, so I’m going to wait until my days off when I get back to think about writing again.

( So much dog talk, LOL )

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Soft Questions, from maevedarcy's Dreamwidth memes, Day 12

2026-05-13T11:12:17Z

What song makes you feel better?

What is your go to comfort show?
His Man 4

What’s your favorite candle scent?
Bath and Body Works' Belle

Who do you feel most like yourself around?
My husband

What calms you down?
Spending time in nature

What's something upcoming that you’re excited for?
Going to Taos, NM in the fall

Have you ever written or received a love letter?
Yes

Tea, Coffee, or hot cocoa?
Tea

How many pillows do you sleep with?
2

Do you have a comfort book? Which one?
Diamond Fairy Tales, by Jane Carruth. I have had it since I was a child.

Life Notes:

Taking supplements. Getting up every morning, even though I'm so tired. Took two Aleve this morning, and my head is still throbbing. But it's not a good time to take a sick day, and I'm going to be off for a week and a day after Friday. I'm trying to hang on.

I've been working in my writing folder for the past two days, and that might be why I have a headache and feel extra tired. I found a story yesterday that looked promising, and I wrote out how I would finish it. Ignoring my writing feels like I'm betraying an important part of myself, but taking it seriously leads to this extra strain. I'm not sure I have what it takes to really sit down and focus on a story for an hour or two each day. I have 15 minutes here and there that I use for re-acquainting myself with my old stories and taking notes on them.

I'm not sure if I'm skipping my period this month, or if it's coming later. It's a bit of a distraction to keep wondering, expecting it every day. Perimenopause is hard, but at least I'm not experiencing the stuff I experienced a few years ago.

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Places From maevedarcy day 8 meme here.

2026-05-07T11:07:47Z

I'm filling this up at: my home office
Last place I went to: my workplace
Favorite place in your house: my home office
Last place I cried at: The vet's office last summer, when Butterfly was put to sleep
Last place I laughed at: the living room, watching Feud
Where did you go on your last vacation? Des Moines, Iowa
What was your favorite thing about that place? The Chinese garden with plaques recording the history of the different ethnic groups that settled there.
What was your least favorite thing about that place? The man at the coffee shop I knew was going to come over and try to talk to me and did.
What's your favorite place in your city? The Stockyards
What do you like about that place? The fact that other people are on vacation there

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#mymusic

2026-05-07T10:54:46Z

maevedarcy 's day 7 meme here.

Songs
Last song I listened to:

Favorite song ever:

Current song on repeat:

Song that reminds me of my childhood (positive, I actually enjoy getting reminded of this):

Song that reminds me of my first crush (romantic or platonic):

Song that reminds me of a person important to me now:

I love this song I will add it to playlists for no reason:

I love this song and I wish I could listen to it again for the first time:

A playlist about me would start with this song:

Artists
My top 5 artists of all time are:
Evanescence, Gackt, Sarah Brightman, Darren Hayes, Tangerine Dream

My current top 5 is (current rotation for the last month or so):
Lil Ghost, Sarah Brightman, Roy Wang, Wayv

When I want to feel at home I listen to:
Enya

When I want to feel somewhere else I listen to:
Elizabethan or medieval music

Last artist I discovered:
Lumane

Albums
Last album I listened to: Enya, Shepherd Moons
Favorite album of all time: Lacuna Coil, Comalies
Comfort album that I listen to to feel better: Sarah Brightman, France
Album I'd pay to listen to again for the first time: Evanescence, Fallen
Album that reminds me of my teenage years: Labyrinth soundtrack
Album I would love to listen to live from start to finish: Tangerine Dream, Stratosfear
Last album I bought: BTS, Arirang
Last album I received as a gift: David Parsons, Tibetan Plateau / Sounds of the Mothership
Last album I recommended: Trees of Eternity, Hour of the Nightingale

Playlists
Last playlist I made: 2026
Last playlist I listened to: 2026
Last playlist I recommended: None
A playlist that makes me feel at home: The New Henna and Indigo
A playlist I made for an artist I love: Chen & Fanxing
A playlist I made for a ship/tv show/movie/book: Aurora's Playlist, Oh Hester, Ophelia II (for my own characters)

Concerts
Last concert I went to: Nini at Lunar New Year Festival, Asia Times Square
Last music festival I went to: Fortress Festival, 2017
Next concert I will go to: I wish it would be Lil Ghost
First concert I went to: Lil Texas at the Walker County Fair
Concert I wish I could have gone to: Gackt
Concert that I'm glad has been preserved by the internet: Evanescence
This concert was healing for me: The Birthday Massacre, 2023

Notes

This meme was hard to complete. I like music, but it was hard coming up with some of these answers. I actually worked on this over three days (10-15 minutes per day). I thought about adding explanatory notes, but that would probably take a month.

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#mybooks

2026-05-04T11:13:47Z

maevedarcy 's day five meme here.

This week I'm reading: Mai Leung's The New Classic Chinese Cookbook

My favorite book of all time is: Mary Shelley's Frankenstein

My current favorite book (read or re-read in the last 3 months) is: Mystique, by Amanda Quick

The last book I bought was: Mai Leung's The New Classic Chinese Cookbook, DK Eyewitness Travel 2015 New York City

The first book I bought with my own money was: Peter S. Beagle's The Last Unicorn

The first book I received as a gift was: My World Book Encyclopedia set was likely not the first, but it stands out as important.

The last book I received as a gift was: Andrea Nguyen's Asian Tofu

The last book I borrowed from the library was: probably something for my dissertation

The book physically closest to me right now is: Manhua Modernity: Chinese Culture and the Pictorial Turn, by John A Crespi

This or that:
Physical book or e-book: Physical book
Used or new: Used
Fiction or non-fiction: Non-fiction
Read at a coffee shop or at the park: Coffee shop
Paperback or hardcover: Hardcover
Romance or Crime: Romance

Yes or no:
Stream of consciousness? Yes
Poetry? Yes
Memoirs? Yes
Philosophy? Yes
Thrillers? No
Chronicles? Yes
Travel logs? Yes
Dialogue heavy? Yes

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Today's Meme for Writers

2026-04-30T11:08:08Z

maevedarcy's Day Four Meme here.

Rules: post the names of all the files in your WIP folder regardless of how non-descriptive or ridiculous. Let people comment with the title that most intrigues them and then post a little snippet of it or tell them something about it!

My WIPs

Secret Garden
Fanchon
The University
Peacock Blue
The Singer
Eleanora
Iseult

I keep a "story index" file with every story I've ever started, organized by year. It goes back to 1991, when I was 11.

You can see the whole index on my website here.

I would love it if someone would comment with something that intrigues them, like the title says! It might help me start thinking about this stuff again.

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Food-related questions that will make you hungry / Doll talk

2026-04-29T11:11:15Z

Day three meme origin here.

What is a food you loved as a child but do not enjoy anymore? Chicken nuggets and Spaghetti-o's are the first that come to mind!

What’s a food you used to dislike but now enjoy? What changed? Beans. Once I discovered Indian cuisine, I grew to love beans. I think black beans and chickpeas were my first beans, and I expanded from there.

If you could eat only one cuisine for the rest of your life, which would you choose? That would be Indian cuisine, actually.

What food instantly makes you feel comforted or happy? This is kind of repetitive from yesterday, but Thai massamun curry.

What food reminds you most of your childhood? Corn dogs.

Are there any foods you think are overrated? Steak.

What traditional dish from your country would you recommend to a visitor? I would take them to Rodeo Goat to get a gourmet burger.

Who is the best cook you know, and what makes their food special? There's no one in particular that comes to mind, because everyone whose food I've eaten has their own style of cooking and their own preferences, and each has some good dishes they make.

Doll Talk

This weekend, I washed and conditioned four doll wigs. The one that Millifleurs came with tore while I was washing it. It was really worn and fragile, so that was not surprising. Last night, I tried out the three remaining wigs on my dolls. They look so much better! I put the Monique blonde "Faith" wig on Millifleurs, and the Monique "Pretty Girl" wig on Josette.

Lastly, Iseult's default Volks wig turned out to be lovely. The wash and condition restored the soft curls and tamed the frizz. Her face, style, and complexion suit this pale blonde wig like nothing else. I wish I had some glass purple eyes for her. The ones glued in were so huge, but I want her to have her original look with more normal-sized pupils.

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The last...

2026-04-28T11:15:58Z

I found the meme here.

Movie I watched: I can't remember, I watch so few. It could have been a re-watch of Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind or The Three Musketeers, or Reality Bites, which I never finished watching.
Series I finished: My Journey to You, Chinese drama
Book I finished: Mystique, by Amanda Quick
Book I bought: Drina's Dancing Year, by Jean Estoril
Book I received as a gift: Asian Tofu cookbook
Food I ate: massamun curry tofu
Meal I cooked: the above!
Drink I had: sencha tea I'm drinking now
Song I listened to: something from the BTS Arirang album, which I switch to in my car from an audiobook sometimes
Album I listened to: the above!
Playlist I listened to: my "2026" playlist of the music I've bought this year
Concert I went to: The Beths (my husband's a fan)
Game I played: The Sims Pets on Gameboy Advance
Person I talked to: my husband, before bed last night
Person I texted: my stepmom

Life notes: My husband gave me his FitBit so that I can track my steps. I really want to get back into walking, but just wanting to has not resulted in my walking.

I got a couple of nice face products from Sprouts called Clean Journey.

I want to start keeping a pantry more "European" style, where I have just a few fresh ingredients and grocery shop every few days, instead of the great American haul of non-spoiling food every 2 weeks. Ha ha. As my refrigerator and pantry are teeming with packages, cans and jars.

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Getting to Know Me Meme

2026-04-27T11:16:57Z

The origin of the meme here.

origin of your username: "snow" - enjoyment of winter aesthetics; "azalea" - journal of Korean literature in translation
i always order this food: massamun curry tofu
current overused emoji: the smile with the pink cheeks (maybe that's just the regular smile - I don't know)
current favorite show: Feud, a Chinese drama on iQiyi
current favorite book: a Mary Shelley / gothic fantasy anthology
current favorite video game: I don't play because it makes my hands hurt, but my favorite was always The Sims series
song on repeat: the "outro" song from Lil Ghost's Deadline album
last thing you really got into: home decorating and organizing. I spent a lot of time on Pinterest now looking at rooms and furniture.
oddly specific thing that brings you joy: knowing I can sleep in the next day
phone wallpaper: a photo of a cheetah, which reminds me of my cat Butterfly, who passed away last year. Having a photo of her makes me too sad.
what smell makes you happy: spring meadow smell: dirt, sun, plants, a little water vapor.
morning, night, or other type: I'm a morning person - but like a 9 a.m. morning person. I wake up at 5 for work, which is too early!
what’s your work/profession: microbiologist

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Life thoughts / trying to write an intro post for new mutuals

2026-04-26T15:14:52Z

Every community has its own culture, in-person or online. I have never really liked conforming to those cultures, because there are always aspects that really chap me, but I don't want to always be an island. Especially at a time like now, when I think many people are seeking more authentic online communications, not those manipulated by corporate greed, and I do sense something taking shape on Dreamwidth and similar sites.

I don't love Dreamwidth. It is not my favorite. The FAQ says it works well in browsers, even mobile browsers, but it doesn't work well in mine. It seems like I always pick the times to want to make a post when the site is buggy or down, and I get put out and start thinking about somewhere else. When I post from my phone, I write into a text file, then paste it into the browser. That's why my text is weirdly formatted sometimes. I try to make it work. Supposedly I can also post from email. I have tried, but my email apps won't communicate with Dreamwidth. I don't love these technical incompatibilities, but I respect that this is the kind of thing you get now when something is not corporate. As long as I don't have to pretend I think Dreamwidth is amazing, it's fine. I already have to do that crap about my workplace.

I sometimes will put my time into my web domains instead, when I feel a little put off Dreamwidth. They are through Wordpress. I have gone back and forth with myself about it, but I don't have the time to hand-code my sites to post my stories. I used to, back in the day, but I think it's better to just post with Wordpress right now.

I'm 46. I like to post about age-related stuff and also write stories about it. I have symptoms of perimenopause which I like to write about from time to time. I am and am not touchy about my age. LOL. I am not touchy about my age here. But I don't appreciate being asked my age in real life, though I try to be polite about it because I "have" to (the "culture"). I don't appreciate being openly sized up in that way. I know that appearance-wise, I exist in an uncanny valley between looking like a young woman and looking like a middle-aged woman, but still.

This decade has felt like starting over in many ways. I care about clothes as a form of self-expression, and after the pandemic, I felt very confused -- for years -- about what kind of clothes to wear -- going into hibernation in my 30s and coming out of it in my 40s. How to wear my hair -- dye dark, bleach light, show the gray, use henna and indigo, or the carcinogenic stuff.

( body / weight )

I do post about my dolls here -- their physical states as well as their characters and the changes they are going through. I have collected resin ball-jointed dolls, which are customizable, and a few other collectible dolls, for about 20 years, and they are another way I like to play with identity. I have been inspired with characters from my doll collection since high school, when I started collecting Sandra Bilotto bride dolls.

I do put any remarks about my period blood under a cut as well as anything poop-related, because I realize people may not be ready to be hit with that.

Occasionally, I will make an angry, incoherent post about work. It might sound out of character or something. Feel free to ignore it, or comment, as is right for you.

Edits: It has been interesting working on these kinds of posts and the Dreamwidth friending meme throughout the weekend. Normally, with Nathan home, I wouldn't have enough quiet, inward-focused time to really contemplate on this stuff. I can tell how I come across to left-leaning people in-person, and my guess is that it could be a similar story online, so it's not totally comfortable for me. Like, when we first attended a UU church that we still attend occasionally, we sat for coffee with a lady, and I could tell she was really looking me up and down, sizing up my words and judging my level of liberal-ness. It felt weird at a protest, when a lady asked me to tilt my sign so she could read it, and she read it, and just got a frozen expression and looked away, and then a guy was going around reading everyone's signs on his megaphone but paused at mine and didn't read it.

Not liberal enough for you.

"Free speech and freedom of the press keep us free. Protect our rights as citizens."

Well, my town is really conservative, so I was appealing to the libertarian instincts of the cars passing by. This was several months ago, after some government bullying of the press. I was trying to find something we could both agree on. But the key phrase is probably "we could both agree on," and maybe that's what has made size-upping people on the left tilt their heads at me.

I wondered just now if I could be libertarian. I feel uncomfortable using all these identity words that are popular now. I respect why they are important for others, but they are usually like a dish that I'm offered at a meal, and try to as politely as possible say, "no, thank you, I would not care for that."

Democrat libertarians do exist, and in the beliefs therein, it seems there is a lot of being libertarian in some ways and being in favor of state control in other ways. And, I mean, the way things are now... we need state control on many, many things because so much harm is being done to people and to the environment... It's not really a moment to be shouting "Individual liberty! Yes!" I think I tend to speak and act my individual-liberty way unconsciously, and I think my balking of norms on the left just like I do norms on the right puts me under the eye of suspicion.

So if you feel suspicious... well. I'm trying to be polite here while also being accurately myself.

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Introduction

2026-04-25T01:44:19Z

I filled out a little post for 3weeks4dreamwidth here.

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“So, what year did you graduate?”

2026-04-15T23:05:20Z

It’s gotten reflexive…

”Ha ha ha, too long ago to mention.”

”Oh, it was a while ago.”

Smile accompanying the words. I don’t have to think about it anymore. But it changes the energy in the room, and throws things back on them. Their responding energy is never positive. Sometimes pushy, sometimes defensive-smiley.

No one has ever asked me that question for a good reason. People are looking at my looks, studying my face, thinking about how I am positioned in life. They are so obvious. No, it isn’t a good way to get to know people, unless you are in grade school. And it’s not South Korea, so you don’t need to decide about using honorifics, LOL. If you feel differently, that’s fine, but this is the life experience I’ve had so far.

The last few times I caved and told people my age, it felt ugly, so I literally practiced a way to respond the next time it came up. I don’t want to hear the “oh, you look so young. I would NEVER have believed it” crap. It feels like some kind of weird, fake reward for giving someone information they know they shouldn’t have asked for. (Also accidentally saying my age seems old, or not accidentally).

I feel angry afterward. Maybe I’m feeling all the times I didn’t expect the question, and couldn’t think of a graceful way to respond while keeping the peace. Actually, there is really no way to respond, because I’ve always felt that energy change when I demur from the question.

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Reflections

2026-04-09T18:34:09Z

I have added three more dolls to my “keep” list after some thinking. It was good to reflect on how to approach the hobby and make some corrections to my collecting. Often I have to just try something to see if I like it, and if not, I shouldn’t beat myself up about it. I don’t think it’s realistic to see myself as keeping every one of my dolls for the rest of my life, either. If there are some lifelong keepers, that will be awesome, but I want to stay open to change always.

I decided I want to keep my vintage babies because I had been so interested in some displays on Pinterest. I realized I really want to try them, and I have the space.

I also considered how the meaning of writing has either changed or become clearer to me over the years with experience. Primarily, writing is for me now. I find I shy away from putting my work online because it was never intended to be rated or judged, and people online seem increasingly conditioned to do that. Writing helps me process my experiences and reveals my desires to me. If I wanted to share writing online, it would be writing about writing, to help others write for themselves rather than an audience.

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On writing romance novels

2026-04-08T11:13:40Z

This morning I'm having my Laos Meung Honeybee tea, but the caffeine just hasn't hit yet.

I have changed into my 40s in that all I can think about is sleeping in. Lying in bed, I persuaded myself to get up by reminding myself there are three days in the near future I can sleep in: Saturday, Sunday, and Tuesday.

The last two afternoons, I have been going to a coffee or tea shop after work and writing at least one page before I go home. But today, I'm going to go straight home after work. I'm starting to feel tired and burned out already.

This week, I have been reflecting on how easy and enjoyable it was for me to write in the afternoons after school in junior high and high school. Even in college, I wrote entire novels. I feel like I didn't spend that much time studying. But I passed. I wouldn't change anything about that. But what happened? My first couple of jobs, I continued to write. It really ebbed noticeably in the early 2010s. And I've written since then, but it's been a real effort. I tried to look up some stuff about it being harder once you get older, but all I found were articles and posts swearing that it doesn't change at all, and people get more creative when they get older because they have more experience. Huh. Maybe it's just me then.

But I do have higher standards for myself and my environment. I spend my mental energy planning meals and chores. I don't feel free to daydream about characters in the absorbing way I once did. I might forget something. And I do. If I make a conscious effort, I can do it.

What brought it on was looking up about some Harlequin romances, and remembering how I had wanted to and planned to write for that line for so long. I made some submissions in college and early work life. I always thought I would be a romance writer. When I think of... just not letting that happen, I feel some panic. I've got to think of where I would want to submit to, though. Harlequin is still around, but it looks to have diminished over the years.

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Reducing the Horde/Hoard

2026-04-05T23:18:57Z

It's kind of cool when a day takes shape and takes off on its own, like today. I started out watching the first couple of episodes of the reality show Hoarders from 2009, which I always have been curious to see, and it was very interesting and thought-provoking. Last night, I had a bit of an internal melt-down when I tried to navigate the exploded-looking computer room, which already looks bad, but now has a bunch of bathroom clutter from the newly-remodeled bathroom. I am resisting putting things in the bathroom because I don't want to put the old clutter in the new, beautiful space.

So, I took everything out of the under-stairs closet downstairs and separated everything that can go in the outdoor storage building, like the Christmas decorations, and ended up with a lot of storage in the under-stairs closet. I made room to put my sewing supplies, luggage, and doll bags and was able to get the computer room mostly cleaned up, till I took out all the bedding, and now it looks exploded again (but I have a plan for the bedding, so I'm not as panicked).

But I asked myself, if my dolls could go to someone who wanted them really, really badly, like a best-case scenario thing, would I want to give them up? And for most of them, the answer was a big "yes." And in some cases, even if they weren't going to a situation like that, ha ha. So I made a list that really surprised me. I'm going to sit with the list for a little bit and start preparing to sell some on Instagram. I have bought dolls on Instagram, so I don't think it's a big deal. eBay takes such a huge cut now, I'm trying to avoid them. If Instagram doesn't work for some stuff, I'll go to Poshmark or Mercari, if they don't take a big cut.

One thing was, I got my two heads back from Dollmore. I am absolutely thrilled with how they turned out. Lorien is everything I dreamed of and more. It is a dream come true to finally have a Volks SDC Kurenai, even though I've had her for seven years now, ha ha. Glynnis's face-up is lovely as well, but I faced the fact that I'm still not interested in Glynnis, even with her looking her best. That's okay. I'll finish up her cleaning, restring her, and sell her. I kind of thought that might happen. But what really surprised me is thinking about how bad some people want Dream of Doll dolls, and here I have three that I'm not interested in, even though I went through a lot to get the last two. They need new face-ups badly, but I don't feel like investing in them. It could make someone really happy to get a Dream of Doll, and I'd get a fair price for them. I wanted to have those first dolls "again," and it sparked the realization that yeah, that was then, this is now. I appreciate that I was able to get them and learn that.

I currently have 8 bjd's on my "keep" list, 1 16" fashion doll, 1 Barbie, and my American Girl Truly Me. That's a total of 11 dolls in the home. It's kind of amazing when I think about how free that makes me feel. It gives me breathing room to enjoy what I have, instead of feeling all that weight on me.

I think I've been quite a shopaholic every since college days, and there have been times I've accumulated, and times I've really gotten rid of a lot of things. It's definitely a cycle for me. It's hard to know how much I want to change in terms of being a collector. I guess the best answer I have right now is, I want to be mindful and open to letting things go when it's the right time. I do want to have dolls and other objects that I love, but I want to put the work in to make sure it doesn't get to be too much.

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Ballet Books / Doll Heads Coming Home

2026-03-27T14:59:47Z

I finished the first Drina book, Ballet for Drina, and started immediately on Drina's Dancing Year. Wow, these are so good! I actually hate the character of Drina's grandmother, but I'm not sure if I'm supposed to, because she's always described as being "kind" to Drina, and...

( spoilers )

I am on the second volume of Hinako Ashihara's Forbidden Dance. Actually, I am done with it, but I haven't finished all the "extra" stuff yet. I always dislike the extra stuff at the end of manga volumes, because I never have any interest in reading it, but I don't feel like I'm done until I do. I'm always so happy when a volume doesn't have that stuff.

Forbidden Dance is lighter reading than Drina. No parents or grandparents to deal with, just rivals, lovers, and vying for that ultimate goal. For the main character in this series, that goal is to be a member of an all-male dance troup called COOL, because it's just so, I guess, cool, and I don't understand her goal, because I would never want to be, but I still enjoy reading it. And there's actually no gender-bending in it, believe it or not. I like gender-bending sometimes, but it would have been unnecessary trope-y stuff here.

My two doll heads, Lorien's and Glynnis's, are in customs in Chicago right now. I couldn't believe the photos when Dollmore sent them. They have transformed these heads into breathtaking dolls. I feel for the first time like I actually have a Volks SDC Kurenai like I always wanted, because I've never seen her with a decent face-up before. And I had no idea that Glynnis would look this wonderful -- an inexpensive doll to begin with, and 12 years old now.

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American Character Doll c. 1964

2026-03-14T21:35:09Z

One afternoon this week, I went to a local antique mall to do some doll shopping.

I didn't have anything really specific in mind. I just wanted a chance to see what I liked and what attracted me.

Out of the whole antique mall, I was most drawn to this plastic bedspread bag with two old, very dirty dolls in it. They were tagged as 1930's-1940's, but since they were of soft vinyl, I figured they were probably later than that. I really liked the thought of getting them and cleaning them.

As in the past, I didn't take a before picture. I felt an impulse to start, and I just had to do it. I soaked their clothing in Oxyclean for around 48 hours, changing the water several times. I cleaned each doll thoroughly with a magic eraser and a toothbrush, and shampooed and conditioned the hair of the one that had hair.

One doll is marked on the back of the neck with "Alexander Doll 19(C)60," and the other with "Amer Char 19(C)64."

I have photos today of the American Character doll. My best guess is that she could be American Character Tiny Tears from 1965, but I am still researching. I consulted a Facebook group for help, and group members are absolutely positive that the other doll is a Madame Alexander Kathy in her original outfit. However, people are still a little undecided about this one.

For now, I'll call her "Tiny Tears" until I find out differently.

Her hair is a lot shorter than in the Tiny Tears ads I saw, but not really shorter than the other dolls I've seen online. It's hard to know if it's been cut or not. The hair length seems all around uniform and intentional. The hair texture is quite coarse. I would like to know if it had been initially curled. It's so short, it would be hard to curl, but it would look cuter curled.

I really enjoyed ironing and doing some small repairs to her dress. It's a pale shade of pink. The fabric is fine and gauzy, a delicate and pretty fabric I associate with vintage garments. It's hard to find doll or human clothing made of fabric this fine.

I want to make her a diaper, panties, socks, shoes, and a bonnet. I've already been looking at some vintage patterns and making plans.

Tiny Tears' eyes are a gray-green-blue color. I don't know if this was the original color, or if they were a blue color that changed over time, but this particular color works well with her hair and color and face paint, so it would be cool if her eyes were originally a more unique color like this.

Tiny Tears is very much at home on the shelf. There's a space for little Kathy, once I get her outfit repairs finished.

I actually have never collected baby dolls in my adulthood. These two are my two oldest dolls now as well as my only baby dolls.

One thing I was thinking while I was browsing the antique mall was how much I would like to return to my earlier plan, a couple of years ago, to look for dolls in-person only, never online, to attend doll shows and even to take some little road trips to go to doll shows. I attended one a couple of years ago, and it was a lot of fun. It felt like the part I liked best about a doll convention, not just the shopping, but the bliss of knowing I'm surrounded by other doll enthusiasts for a few hours -- except it was much shorter and much cheaper, leaving plenty of budget for doll purchases.

I'm going to make it my goal to do that and also to make selections from my heart, not worrying any more about what fits logically with my collection. I loved walking around the antique mall for a few hours with that mindset, and I can't wait to do it again.

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From the Archives: Serendipity Sharmin

2026-03-09T17:40:49Z

This morning, I spent time going through my old photos looking for photos that would correspond to the photo prompts for "snow" and "flowers" for allkindsofdolls . I have taken a lot of photos over the years that don't fit in anywhere, and I was excited about sharing them. However, I have way too many to post to the group, so I'm going to post about many of the old dolls and memories here first, and then create an edited edition for a group post.

These photos are from my BJD 2.0, (Forest Violets), of a doll I got out of nostalgia for my BJD 1.0 (Garden of Virtues). (Post explaining my BJD time periods here). The photos are from November 17, 2012.

Serendipity Sharmin was first manufactured around 2003, from what I could find online, and she was one of the first dolls I noticed becoming popular on Den of Angels. She was affordable and had general, rather than niche, appeal, being a young woman. At the time, I fell in love with Dream of Doll and never considered getting a Serendipity doll, but I followed what others did with their Serendipity Sharmins on Livejournal and admired them there.

I found this Serendipity Sharmin on eBay for $80 and took a road trip to Austin to pick her up in-person. She had a broken hand, but all of her ear pieces were included. She had interchangeable ears that included elf ears and, I think, vampire ears. I bought some used Camellia Dynasty hands to replace her hands.

She's wearing a dress I made for her out of an old apron. I was amazingly uninhibited about my doll sewing at this time. I just started cutting stuff up and sewing it together. I didn't use patterns and I didn't care for perfectionism.

She's wearing a human hair wig from my Dream of Doll Ophelia, a wig I may still actually have (I try to discard them now when they've just gotten too bad-looking though).

She's holding some velvet violets (I was so into violets during this time), and against the tree trunk, she really solidifies the "Forest Violets" storyline name, ha ha. That's not a forest, though, it's just a tree in our yard. At that time, we would have had like 5, and now we're down to 1 in the front yard. It's so sad. They've fallen in storms or gotten so tippy they had to be cut down (which felt horrible, but they would have soon fallen on our house, died anyway, and also destroyed our house). It's like this isn't even the same yard. It used to be so shady.

It sure isn't the same world, and you can say that again...

Glynnis is the only doll that I have deliberately sold and re-shelled. I was in a time when I didn't think too deeply about things. Looking back, I can't believe I sold her, actually in that dress I made, so easily and just bought a new doll without much thought, but I did.

In that sense, I never had the opportunity to miss my character Glynnis, but I do regret letting go of this doll, which is now incredibly hard to find. Would I get her again? I don't know.

My Doll Leaves Lilith is the shell for my character Glynnis, and I've had her for over 12 years now. She was sent along with another doll on around her 12th birthday to Dollmore to get a new face-up, and she is still waiting to get her body cleaned. I took some days off next week to get the bathroom remodeled, and I'm hoping to get to her then. I still don't have the heads back from Dollmore, but I don't mind that, because I already have been dragging my feet about getting bodies ready.

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