(no subject)

[snowazalea]

Yesterday afternoon, I greatly enjoyed my porcelain dolls safely ensconced in their bookcase, viewing them as I recovered from a caffeine-withdrawal headache. They are beautiful and comforting and are a link to the past, similar to the porcelain dolls I collected in high school. As I cowered in the pillow and, by degrees, the headache medicine started to work, I wanted to cower before my high school self, as though she is better and wiser than the person now. I thought about the very first time I ever tasted coffee. It was at an honor society banquet we were putting on at the end of my senior year. I was standing in front of the cafeteria line and put the paper cup to my lips. I had added a lot of sugar and powder creamer because the smell had been so repugnant, I feared the taste of it. It was bittersweet, not too bad. It must have been evening, and the coffee must have been for the parents attending the banquet.

I decided to cultivate a taste for coffee after that time, and my bond with tea weakened by degrees ever since.

When I think of my high school self, I think of hot tea, practicing the piano, reading gothic novels, and cross stitching. I think that life must have been so simple then, when I still believed that allergies and panic attacks were forms of hypochondria, though I politely kept my opinions to myself on that. I had only seen one East Asian person in my entire life, a lady named Noriko who took lessons from my piano teacher, and I had never seen a South Asian person before, such that I was in my college honor society for an entire year before I was ever able to figure out what race the other girls in it were. They did not seem to be Hispanic, but I did not know beyond that.

There was a lot I did not know, but I took opportunities to learn, especially about other countries and cultures. A CD-ROM program on the counselor's office computer had different languages to learn, that actually included Turkish, which I was very keen to learn. I had read all about Turkey, and all of the cross-references, too, such as Islam, in my World Books encyclopedia and had written a novel set in my idea of what Turkey must be like.

Graduate school, which was relatively only a few years ago, caused me to feel ashamed to articulate these things: my ignorance, past and present, about other races; my great interest in non-Western literatures and cultures.

This entry is cut short because I have to leave for work, and I have been trying to find something to say to draw everything together. It's hard to make sense right now of anything. What do I want to say? "The killer in me is the killer in you, my love."

Well, it is my lunch break now, and I have little I feel like doing. I have been tired of all of the food I have, and it’s hard to know what to eat, so I am not eating. I will see how that works out this afternoon. Lots of people fast, I guess. I have never tried it.

Anyway, I have felt at a loss to make sense of the present and future of my country. I guess that’s what provoked my musings this morning. I have an issue with people who have a rigid mindset and won’t see another side of things. And after my heated encounter on Thursday, which led to a great degree of musing, shame, and frustration on my part, I wondered how many people around me, when challenged, will prove to be as completely inflexible to another’s reading of a situation. 

Comments

[matsushima]

I don't think you need to be ashamed of not knowing. You didn't choose to be raised in a non-diverse neighborhood and teenage!you didn't invent the idea that allergies and panic attacks are psychosomatic/hypochondriac/malingering. It's when people are willfully ignorant and refuse to revisit their uninformed opinions that… well, OK, shaming them isn't going to help anybody but I can't help but feel a little judgmental about people who have access to information and refuse to reconsider.

Re: fasting, would you like me to share what works for me when I have no appetite and don't want to eat anything?

[snowazalea]

Thanks for your kind words.

Yes, I’d love to know how to go about it when I have no appetite.

[matsushima]

Of course. There's no point in beating yourself up about it as long as you're making an effort to learn better and/or repair any harm you might've done, as applicable.

When my appetite tanks (which happens to me a lot because of med side effects and stress), I can still usually drink liquids, so I try to load up on calories that way. Hot chocolate with full fat milk, maybe mix in some Vitamin D drops. Smoothies with protein powder, that sort of thing. Of course, it's important to eat fruits and vegetables but when you have no appetite, the most important thing is to nourish yourself - even if it's food that's considered "unhealthy" because it's unbalanced or doesn't have as many vitamins and nutrients. (I am not a doctor, just speaking from personal experience.)

[snowazalea]

Thanks, these are great ideas!