The snow blossoms

I have been curious about what I was doing twenty years ago, and this afternoon while I was doing my facial treatments, I took out my old journals. 

I wrote a poem, and I’m not sure if it’s haiku-inspired or sijo-inspired. I am not sharing it because it is “good.” I am sharing it because it is pure, unadulterated me at 26:

I make my evening
of roses, antique lace and milk
For a moment I am a belle.

I wanted to add some commas in there when I typed that out, but I resisted. What was I talking about? I have no idea, but it’s interesting to ponder.

I was working night shift at the time, which was really hard on me both physically and emotionally. I really dreaded the evening, when I would leave for work. My shift started at 7 p.m., so I probably left around 6:15. So I was probably constructing a fantasy evening that contrasted as much with the real one as much as possible, an evening of pink and ivory colors, fragrance, and femininity. 

At some point, I had to start wearing glasses rather than contacts because my eyes hurt so badly. I cringed at my looks. And I taped my safety glasses to my glasses, so they wouldn’t slip off, to add insult to injury.

I try not to think too badly of night shift now, because if my plant ever closes, or I’m laid off (the former seems likely at this point), I may have to take what I can get for a time. My biorhythms have changed a lot, too. My shift starts at 7 a.m. now, and I’m in agony. Years ago, my shift started at 5 a.m., and it was no problem. Manufacturing plants have a special way of coming up with the most sadistic shifts ever. The one I left to come here was 6 a.m. to 6:30 p.m. 

Also, I have had to start wearing glasses again lately. My eyes were hurting so badly in contacts. When I got my eye exam last week, I got my first progressive lenses prescription. Today was my first day wearing progressive lenses. It’s not nearly as big of a deal as I thought, and I can read the tiny, tiny text on the little chemical bottles at work, which has been a daily struggle for me for a long time, since I am constantly having to record lot numbers and expiration dates for stuff I use in my lab notebook. 

I feel like my glasses look like the ones that a girl I once admired online wore (she doesn’t seem to keep any accounts anymore). She wore medieval costumes sometimes, and somehow I feel a step closer to making my medieval outfits.

All in all, I am doing a lot better right here, right now, in 2026, than I was in 2006. I wish I could visit with my past self, because I would have a lot to say. 

I got lots of lovely things in the mail this week!

My Loving You Barbie showed up. She was shipped a few days later than I had hoped she would be, but she did arrive -- and she and her outfit were so incredibly dirty. 

I may have taken a sick day, a mental health day, if you will, on Thursday to clean her and her outfit. 

( Dolls and real-life fun )

We have been snowed-in this weekend, so our immediate physical environs have been blissful. But knowing what has been happening elsewhere in the United States is horrific. I could only stomach watching two videos filming the murder. There is apparently more detailed footage, but I haven't been able to watch the event again.

To off-set this horror... Barbies. Also took photos of my dogs in the snow in their parkas. 

I took out my collection and played yesterday and today, and I did some outfit research as well.



( Barbies and dogs )

I have completed Shen Congwen's "Night March" and Lao She's "Black Li and White Li," "The Glasses," and "Grandma Takes Charge."

I greatly enjoyed "Night March." It had many similar elements to wuxia drama (and thus, probably pre-modern literature, but I don't really know that): a band of friends moving through the wilderness, ostensibly on a quest, mysterious and gothic settings, and an intriguing stranger with a revelation. I will try to find more Shen Congwen to read.

Of the three Lao She short stories I have read so far, I took the most from "Black Li and White Li." I enjoyed the way the brothers were contrasted through various scenarios: vying for the same woman, treatment of the less fortunate, and response to modernization. Both could be said to be honorable or respectable in a sense, but since the story was told from the perspective of Black Li's friend, I felt partial to him.

The other two Lao She stories were about people's absurd behaviors toward Western technologies. In the case of "The Glasses," the characters appeared backward, but pitiable, and in "Grandma Takes Charge," which was more of a satire, they were wretched. The stories could be read as a critique toward the people, or a critique toward technologies incompatible with their culture. 

I received Xiao Hong's The Field of Life and Death & Tales of Hulan River yesterday, and last night, I read the translator's notes and preface. I got the impression that Xiao's works are more woman-centered, with potential feminist readings, and I am really looking forward to that. I have encountered very little East Asian modernist literature written by women. 

Right now, I'm using the following three apps to learn Mandarin:

• Rosetta Stone (currently Unit 5, Travel)
• Reword: Learn Chinese (currently 100% HSK 1, 80% HSK 2)
• Du Chinese (Newbie level, but I only have access to one story since I don't have a subscription)

I think many people would not recommend Rosetta Stone. That is cool. It is pinyin-only, and feeling its limits is what inspired me to explore the latter two apps. I like Rosetta Stone because it's a jumping-off point, and by accident or design, the vocabulary and grammar it introduces roughly corresponds with Reword, so that pretty soon after I learn the pinyin, I learn the characters. I like Rosetta Stone, because it's easy to step into for 10 or 15 minutes at a time, even if I'm tired or not having a big brain day. Plus the accompanying pictures and content always lift my spirits with the sunlight and warmth. 

Du Chinese is the coolest but also the most formidable of the apps. In terms of price, I'm keeping Du Chinese on the back burner until I'm getting close to done with the Rosetta Stone course, because the cost of subscribing to all three apps at once is going to feel a little insane. 

My goal right now is to keep going with Rosetta Stone and maintain daily progress on Reword. It would be cool if I finished Rosetta Stone in 2 years. If I stay consistent, I'm able to get through a unit a month and attend to all the little details in the unit, and there are a total of 20 units. 

This is so unbelievable, I had to share. I have long wanted Volks SDC Kurenai's default wig for my Kurenai, Lorien. I was just shopping Volks' site for a similar wig and searched for an old image of Kurenai to try to get the hair color right. The first result was a Buy It Now auction listing for an actual Kurenai wig for half the price of a new Volks wig. Got that immediately. 

Last night, after receiving the go-ahead from Dollmore, I sent my 2 heads via Click N Ship, directly from my mailbox. I checked the tracking, and it was picked up at 1:31 p.m. today. 

I can't believe how this is all coming together. Lorien may have her time in the sun for the very first time this year. I have never even gotten to play with her, and now it's looking like she's going to come together as a beautiful like-new doll. 

Philippa did not understand; the unknown held for her no fears that she could not vanquish by common sense. She was handicapped neither by imagination nor a restless yearning for beauty and fulfillment.

Katherine, Anya Seton

These are just a couple of pictures I took of Josette in January on a snow day. She’s wearing a mixture of very old and very new things. The old include a wig originally intended for her lover, Bryony; some bloomers from Milky Ange; a shirt from Nine9 Style; and her original hosiery; the new include the beanie with chains, the watch, and her blue eyes, which were included in the box from Dollmore with Aubrey.

I haven’t been able to figure out exactly what kind of eyes they are, but I love how brightly they glow. I thought they might be resin eyes, but the pupils look almost as though they are screen-printed when you look closely. I did buy some resin eyes from Dollmore more recently, and they don’t glow quite like these do.

In other news, I have a few doll profiles up and linked to my sticky post now, but I have a ways to go. It’s progress, though.

I wanted to take some time to describe the present era for my dolls and my creative work, which is often but not always related to them. 

My first era was defined by the phrase “A Garden of Virtues,” which I used as a name or description for various blogs and websites (some never deployed). My first BJD’s, Ophelia, Shelley, and Johnny, were the main players in this world. The dolls had child-like but gothic aspects to them, as was the fashion in early 00’s BJD culture: large eyes, child-like bodies, gothic clothing and face-ups. “A Garden of Virtues” captured my sense of my dolls as wandering in a dark and potentially sinister garden, where it would not always be clear what was virtue and what was vice. This sense was also foundational in my Cristalle world, where Ophelia, Shelley, Johnny, and eventually many others lived. 

Even though I place this “A Garden of Virtues” era between the years 2004-2008, I still consider it a living space that I add to. My ambition for the future was to collect “FCS orphans,” phrasing mine, when I had plenty of disposable income. I felt there was something tragic about all the old unwanted Volks FCS dolls, each part design, not just face sculpt, but also even hands and feet, carefully selected by the owner, and purchased at a price I still find too steep, and then one day to be found old, yellowed, and discarded in Dollyteria and similar stores. The “FCS orphans” as well as my own dolls (only one of which is a FCS orphan, Jude, my MSD FCS F-15) have a sense about them of a long-ago tragedy that will never be resolved, can never be resolved, and that sense is still very much alive and with me. 

My second era, “Forest Violets,” was solidified with a corresponding blog and an extensive story set in late 18th century Europe, around the time of the French Revolution. This era began with Leslie, a doll I got when I got in 2010, a Souldoll Asiter I no longer have, after leaving the BJD hobby in 2008 and clearing out all of my dolls and most of their clothing and supplies. The SD- and Model-size dolls I acquired in quick succession corresponded to the “Forest Violets” era, and I would describe the era as beginning in 2011 and waning in 2016 or so. My attention after 2016 was directed toward the “A Garden of Virtues” era, for which I felt intense nostalgia, and for several years after, I put a lot more story-building into “A Garden of Virtues.”

My “Futurepast" imaginary has two poles, between which I am constantly pulled: Chinese “soft power” and identification with the Victorian period, a kind of cultural nostalgia. Like… ha ha… the old Blade Runner movie, I seem to equate the future with Asia. From China I sense a strength, cohesiveness, and diversity that will long outlast my crumbling society. Chinese aesthetics communicate other lifeways to me without words to which I feel deeply attracted. I have even started learning Mandarin. To tell the truth, I feel ashamed about that (the reason why is that often learning a language is associated with trying to find a romantic partner in that culture or something like that), but I am really not at peace unless I find a way to incorporate that into my life, so it is better to acknowledge that I want to be fluent in Mandarin one day to have better access to the aesthetics that inspire me. These aesthetics are primarily BJD-related. My Flynn Doll Lily was a rare opportunity (the only one I’ve seen so far) to have a doll with this kind of aesthetic myself. Even though I gave my doll a name, Dorothy, she isn’t the same as my other BJD’s in that she probably won’t appear in any of my storytelling. I can’t see her interacting with my other doll characters. She’s tied to that larger world, that future, and links me to it. 

Then, my dolls that represent the past are my Franklin Mint and Tonner 16” vinyl dolls. Their exquisite costumes express my desire for the time period that the Victorian-era novels I read immerse me in. They radiate presences, rather than express characters, in the same way Dorothy does. They are not really “individuals” like the dolls of the “A Garden of Virtues” and “Forest Violets” eras. 

I think that general BJD culture has had an impact on these imaginaries as well in that in the early 00’s, BJD’s were such an expression of individuality. It was really the thing to develop complex profiles for them, often with a gothic bent, and to take them out in public. In the 2010’s, the culture shifted, clothing and accessories became widely accessible and cheap, and DIY was no longer a badge of pride. Plus, algorithms ensured that the “best” photos and most ornate dolls were prevalent in people’s “feeds,” which shaped the culture toward one of baroque perfectionism and hyperrealism. I think my “Forest Violets” era absorbed the sentiments of baroque excess. 

My first exposure to the “new” BJD look that attracted me was through Pinterest in the past year or two. I collected countless images of dolls there. I guessed they were from foreign social media networks to which I might not have access. Then, I discovered Rednote, which is a treasure trove of this kind of content and admittedly has escalated my desire to learn Mandarin to better access this content. 

The “past” part of my “Futurepast” imaginary also includes Lady Lovelylocks, Flower Princesses, and Hugga Bunch. I guess also Barbie, but I have had Barbies all along, so I don’t know. So, it includes this cozy child-like nostalgia, this sinking into a sweet dream of comfort on a Lady Lovelylocks pillow while holding a Hugga Bunch doll, while an awareness streams into the dream of a future of a dominant power with greater resilience and cultural potency than my decaying surroundings that hold these Victorian remnants I collect from antique stores or read as downloaded books.