snowazalea | Recent Entries

Hello, and if you’ve randomly stumbled across this ball-jointed doll (BJD) journal, welcome!

In case you’re not familiar with BJD's, this is a kind of doll crafted with collectors in mind, usually made of resin, and often designed and crafted in Japan, South Korea, or China.

BJD's have interchangeable wigs and eyes, and their resin faces can be re-painted according to the owner’s wishes. The first resin Asian BJD's were sold by the company Volks in 1999. I discovered BJD’s in 2003 when I first saw a small picture of a Volks doll on a website. From there, I discovered the forum Den of Angels, where I learned all about the dolls. My first dolls were Tender Too (Shelley) and Bee-a (Ophelia) in 2004, shipped from the now-defunct South Korean doll company Dream of Doll.

I collect other kinds of dolls as well and mention them frequently in this journal. My "old-school" BJD’s, however, are more fully fleshed out in terms of character and profile. As of now, I’m not planning to write profiles for my "new-school" BJD, fashion dolls, or other dolls. Profiles are works-in-progress and will be shared and linked in this post at the top of my journal. Profile entries are dated with the doll’s arrival date rather than the date they were written (I began this journal in 2017).

BJD Arrivals by Year
2011—Josette
2012—Dresdan
2013—Willow
2014—Glynnis; Bryony
2015—Josian; Gertrude
2017—Jude
2019—Coral
2019—Frances
2021—Ophelia; Mason; Johnny; Ivory
2022—Aubrey
2023—Shelley

BJD Arrival Dates / Anniversaries by Month
January—Ophelia (9 / 2021); Glynnis (25 / 2014)
February—none
March—Coral (8 / 2019); Mason (15 / 2021)
April—Aubrey (14 / 2022)
May—none
June—none
July —Jude (17 / 2017); Josian (29 / 2015); Willow (31 / 2013)
August—Josette (28 / 2011)
September—Johnny (3 / 2021); Shelley (6 / 2023); Dresden (10 / 2012)
October—Frances (4 / 2019)
November—Gertrude (9 / 2015); Bryony (18 / 2014)
December—Ivory (25 / 2021)

I have not yet introduced Melusine, my American Girl Truly Me #88. Even though I planned to go vintage American Girl and get only Pleasant Company stuff, I fell in love last year with some of their current line, particularly their cotton-candy haired girl, the Cinderella pink ballgown, WellieWisher Camille, and the llamacorn stuff. So, slowly but surely, I'm acquiring this current AG stuff. Since then, I've started hankering after Courtney the 1986 girl, as well.

I have been finding Melusine lots of clothing at antique shops. In February, in Oklahoma City, I found some great outfits, and in Nacogdoches a couple of weeks ago, as well. I loved this zebra dress instantly. It reminded me viivdly of something my Hot Looks doll from childhood would have worn. Melusine is holding a llamacorn, but not an AG one.

I have been wanting to get Melusine lots of fairy princess outfits. This one matches her hair. Straight out of the bag, it's pretty rumpled.

Currently, Melusine is on the shelf above the daybed, along with some of my other collectibles.

Bottom shelf: my Hugga Bunch Impkins. It was a thrill to find her at an antique shop in Oklahoma City, in great shape and in her original outfit. I had been wanting to delve into Hugga Bunch for years and finally found my opportunity. There were so many different kinds of dolls and toys I had as a child. Some of them appeal to me aesthetically now in ways they didn't then, and Hugga Bunch is definitely one of those. I'm collecting slowly, because I don't really have much of a space, but I've been wanting the Hugga Bunch cross stitch book for a long time, as well as to make my own Hugga Bunch dolls from the licensed 80's patterns.

My microwavable warm bear is in the middle, which Nathan got me for our anniversary last year, and the diamond bear on the end he got my for my birthday.

Middle shelf: My cotton candy sloth was such a great find. I got him at the 2019 state fair, one of the few I've been to, and that after many years. It was hugely fun, but after COVID and mass shootings, I don't plan to attend another. Not the same. My marshmallow-scented llamacorn is in the middle. I got her at the mall at a great store called Cartoon World. They're still there, but they've drastically changed their merchandise from sweet toys to shonen anime and waifu-type collectibles. Melusine is on the end. I don't really like having her "out," because I want all of my dolls protected from dust and cat interference, but I have no dedicated place for her and her stuff yet. I also have an Ikea bed for her that is actually in the car to go to Goodwill (several months ago, they wouldn't accept donations due to overcrowding, so the stuff is waiting for the next opportunity) that I'd rather keep and collect bedding for, but I currently have no idea where to put that.

Top shelf: I have a sumikko gurashi gashapon of the pork fat and shrimp tail friend pair, and a plushie keychain of the shrimp, I think dressed up as sushi. I got the gashapon from a store in the mall that was mainly gashapon machines that is no longer there, and the shrimp keychain from Barnes and Noble. The middle sloth was a gift from Nathan, and the slothicorn on the end was as well, though that one was on my wishlist.

That's only a section of the doll and toy family, of course. I don't like having any of them out where they will get dusty, but I haven't figured out what to do about that. I already have two large glass display cases, and I'm getting a third today for my crystals. I don't particularly want yet another one.

These are just a couple of pictures I took of Josette in January on a snow day. She’s wearing a mixture of very old and very new things. The old include a wig originally intended for her lover, Bryony; some bloomers from Milky Ange; a shirt from Nine9 Style; and her original hosiery; the new include the beanie with chains, the watch, and her blue eyes, which were included in the box from Dollmore with Aubrey.

I haven’t been able to figure out exactly what kind of eyes they are, but I love how brightly they glow. I thought they might be resin eyes, but the pupils look almost as though they are screen-printed when you look closely. I did buy some resin eyes from Dollmore more recently, and they don’t glow quite like these do.

In other news, I have a few doll profiles up and linked to my sticky post now, but I have a ways to go. It’s progress, though.

Yesterday afternoon I had to say farewell to my dear companion Chevre, who has been at my side for 15 years. He was around 18. This is a photo of him when he was much healthier and carefree. My photos of him are scattered all over devices. I intend to make a photo book of him to put all those photos together, to prevent their being lost.

I was expecting that I would have to, but I was hoping there would be some way to keep him comfortable for longer. He had splenic tumors (the cause of his suffering), stage 5 lymphoma, and canine cognitive dysfunction, so I knew the time would come soon.

I wanted to take some time to describe the present era for my dolls and my creative work, which is often but not always related to them.

My first era was defined by the phrase “A Garden of Virtues,” which I used as a name or description for various blogs and websites (some never deployed). My first BJD’s, Ophelia, Shelley, and Johnny, were the main players in this world. The dolls had child-like but gothic aspects to them, as was the fashion in early 00’s BJD culture: large eyes, child-like bodies, gothic clothing and face-ups. “A Garden of Virtues” captured my sense of my dolls as wandering in a dark and potentially sinister garden, where it would not always be clear what was virtue and what was vice. This sense was also foundational in my Cristalle world, where Ophelia, Shelley, Johnny, and eventually many others lived.

Even though I place this “A Garden of Virtues” era between the years 2004-2008, I still consider it a living space that I add to. My ambition for the future was to collect “FCS orphans,” phrasing mine, when I had plenty of disposable income. I felt there was something tragic about all the old unwanted Volks FCS dolls, each part design, not just face sculpt, but also even hands and feet, carefully selected by the owner, and purchased at a price I still find too steep, and then one day to be found old, yellowed, and discarded in Dollyteria and similar stores. The “FCS orphans” as well as my own dolls (only one of which is a FCS orphan, Jude, my MSD FCS F-15) have a sense about them of a long-ago tragedy that will never be resolved, can never be resolved, and that sense is still very much alive and with me.

My second era, “Forest Violets,” was solidified with a corresponding blog and an extensive story set in late 18th century Europe, around the time of the French Revolution. This era began with Leslie, a doll I got when I got in 2010, a Souldoll Asiter I no longer have, after leaving the BJD hobby in 2008 and clearing out all of my dolls and most of their clothing and supplies. The SD- and Model-size dolls I acquired in quick succession corresponded to the “Forest Violets” era, and I would describe the era as beginning in 2011 and waning in 2016 or so. My attention after 2016 was directed toward the “A Garden of Virtues” era, for which I felt intense nostalgia, and for several years after, I put a lot more story-building into “A Garden of Virtues.”

My “Futurepast" imaginary has two poles, between which I am constantly pulled: Chinese “soft power” and identification with the Victorian period, a kind of cultural nostalgia. Like… ha ha… the old Blade Runner movie, I seem to equate the future with Asia. From China I sense a strength, cohesiveness, and diversity that will long outlast my crumbling society. Chinese aesthetics communicate other lifeways to me without words to which I feel deeply attracted. I have even started learning Mandarin. To tell the truth, I feel ashamed about that (the reason why is that often learning a language is associated with trying to find a romantic partner in that culture or something like that), but I am really not at peace unless I find a way to incorporate that into my life, so it is better to acknowledge that I want to be fluent in Mandarin one day to have better access to the aesthetics that inspire me. These aesthetics are primarily BJD-related. My Flynn Doll Lily was a rare opportunity (the only one I’ve seen so far) to have a doll with this kind of aesthetic myself. Even though I gave my doll a name, Dorothy, she isn’t the same as my other BJD’s in that she probably won’t appear in any of my storytelling. I can’t see her interacting with my other doll characters. She’s tied to that larger world, that future, and links me to it.

Then, my dolls that represent the past are my Franklin Mint and Tonner 16” vinyl dolls. Their exquisite costumes express my desire for the time period that the Victorian-era novels I read immerse me in. They radiate presences, rather than express characters, in the same way Dorothy does. They are not really “individuals” like the dolls of the “A Garden of Virtues” and “Forest Violets” eras.

I think that general BJD culture has had an impact on these imaginaries as well in that in the early 00’s, BJD’s were such an expression of individuality. It was really the thing to develop complex profiles for them, often with a gothic bent, and to take them out in public. In the 2010’s, the culture shifted, clothing and accessories became widely accessible and cheap, and DIY was no longer a badge of pride. Plus, algorithms ensured that the “best” photos and most ornate dolls were prevalent in people’s “feeds,” which shaped the culture toward one of baroque perfectionism and hyperrealism. I think my “Forest Violets” era absorbed the sentiments of baroque excess.

My first exposure to the “new” BJD look that attracted me was through Pinterest in the past year or two. I collected countless images of dolls there. I guessed they were from foreign social media networks to which I might not have access. Then, I discovered Rednote, which is a treasure trove of this kind of content and admittedly has escalated my desire to learn Mandarin to better access this content.

The “past” part of my “Futurepast” imaginary also includes Lady Lovelylocks, Flower Princesses, and Hugga Bunch. I guess also Barbie, but I have had Barbies all along, so I don’t know. So, it includes this cozy child-like nostalgia, this sinking into a sweet dream of comfort on a Lady Lovelylocks pillow while holding a Hugga Bunch doll, while an awareness streams into the dream of a future of a dominant power with greater resilience and cultural potency than my decaying surroundings that hold these Victorian remnants I collect from antique stores or read as downloaded books.

I just finished a 2-pack Harlequin manga of Roman Spring, original story by Sandra Marton (1993), manga by Shiori Sato (2017), and Stormy Springtime, original story by Betty Neels (1987), manga by Masami Hoshino (2018).

Shiori Sato’s art was more what I associate with contemporary manga. It didn’t have the big, sparkling eyes and shojo elements like flowers to represent feelings. It had what I think of as more of a josei vibe. The heroine was, I guess, “sassy,” and not the traditional “virgin” heroine.

Masami Hoshino’s art style hearkened back to the classic shojo a little more, but not much. That one was a little weird to me because the heroine was so much shorter and more child-like than the hero.

In terms of story, I liked the Sandra Morton novel a bit more, but I liked them both pretty well. I have not read any of Morton’s novels, but I have read Neels’.

I’m also reading the manhwa The Abandoned Empress, original novel by Yuna, manhwa by ina. I have never felt very enthusiastic about the transmigration plots, at least not until I watched the Chinese drama The Story of Kunning Palace, but this story is appealing to me. The outfits are amazing, too: clearly a nod to Pretear and Sailor Moon of yesteryear.

Last night I finished the Harlequin manga Lucifer’s Angel, original story by Violet Winspear (1961), illustrated by Yoko Hanabusa (2002). As someone who was reading for the manga style, I have no regrets, but I felt like the story was a bit rushed. I’m interested by how the manga artist condenses the novels into this ~130 page format. I haven’t read these for several years, and on Friday, I felt the urge to take them up again.

I first found Harlequin manga in-person when it was published in 2005 by Dark Horse Comics. When manga moved online years later, I discovered it again and read several as e-books. It’s mind-boggling how many Harlequin novels have been turned into manga. I didn’t even know how to choose. I think I will also try reading the manga version of some of the romance novels I’ve read.

There’s a lot of translation that’s gone on in these as I read them: the novel is being translated not only into Japanese but also a manga format, then the manga is translated into English (and other languages).

Recently, I have started using my Apple Books e-reader and the Apple Books store for all my digital reading, and I like it all very much, especially the fact that audiobooks are included in the same app.

The story is about a woman, San, who is isolated from others and shrinks away from some might call “extroverted” behavior. Through the lens of her life and experiences, the behavior from men seems more violating than extroverted. She obtains a job in a flower shop after leaving a job at a hair salon where she was unhappy and bullied by another woman. A coworker, Su-ae, moves in with her, which solves her money issues, but fills her quiet life with Su-ae. There are also men who drift in and out who are rather violating toward her in their behavior, paying compliments on her appearance that embarrass her, touching her, trying to go out with her. Su-ae is much more outgoing and sees nothing wrong with the behaviors, not disturbed in the way that San is.

I’m not finished with the book but what I take from it so far is an affirmation of the sensitivity and delicacy of the introverted life, how disturbing “extroverted” behavior from others can be to an “introverted” person, when some might accept it as matter of course. It seems difficult for San to make any real emotional connection with others. The minute details of her daily life are shared, providing a picture of life in South Korean city or countryside that’s easy to imagine vividly. It brings back memories of my few precious days there.

I was reflecting, actually, on a particular hurt that I’ve never mentioned to anyone before. When I rode a bus between Dongtan and Seoul several times, no one ever sat next to me on the bus. It was only at one point, I looked around and realized the bus was actually crammed with people, some standing, and still no one sat next to me. Not the same kind of chill San experiences in her experiences, but a very real chill nonetheless.

One thing I feel curious about is that San has no creative outlet or apparent hobby. She wants to write but instead copies down the words of others. There is a lack of passion in her that I don’t entirely relate to, but I feel interested to explore her mind through the story all the same.

Woman Against Woman. By Effie Adelaide Rowlands. Eagle No. 52, 10c.
The Little Minister. By J. M. Barrie. Eagle No. 96, 10c.
Nerine’s Second Choice. By Adelaide Stirling. Eagle No. 131, 10c.
Her Love and Trust. By Adeline Sargeant. Eagle No. 241, 10c.
Edith Lyle’s Secret. By Mrs. Mary J. Holmes. Eagle No. 316, 10c.
Dora Thorne. By Bertha M. Clay. Bertha Clay No. 2, 10c.
Ishmael. By Mrs. E. D. E. N. Southworth. Southworth No. 2, 10c.
Self-Raised. By Mrs. E. D. E. N. Southworth. Southworth No. 3, 10c.
The Hidden Hand. By Mrs. E. D. E. N. Southworth. Southworth No. 52, 10c.
Capitola’s Peril. By Mrs. E. D. E. N. Southworth. Southworth No. 53, 10c.
Quo Vadis. By Henryk Sienkiewicz. New Illustrated Edition, 15c.
Queen Bess. By Mrs. Georgie Sheldon. New Sheldon No. 1, 15c.
A Jest of Fate. By Charles Garvice. New Eagle No. 645, 15c.
St. Elmo. By Augusta J. Evans. New Eagle No. 600, 15c.
Slighted Love. By Mrs. Alex. McVeigh Miller. New Eagle No. 596, 15c.
At Another’s Bidding. By Ida Reade Allen. New Eagle No. 707, 15c.
The Thoroughbred. By Edith MacVane. New Eagle No. 725, 15c.
Girls of a Feather. By Mrs. Amelia E. Barr. New Romance No. 7, 15c.
My Own Sweetheart. By Wenona Gilman. New Eagle No. 687, 15c.
The Price of a Kiss. By Laura Jean Libbey. New Eagle No. 720, 15c.

Complete List of S. & S. Novels sent anywhere upon request
STREET & SMITH, Publishers, NEW YORK

I found this in the Project Gutenberg text of one of the books I’ve recently read, and I thought it would be a good starting point to explore some more Victorian romance authors. I am familiar with Bertha M. Clay, of course, and one of my first antique books was Hugh Worthington by Mary J. Holmes. The name that caught my eye here was Mrs. E. D. E. N. Southworth, and after a little research, I think I’m going to start with her.

Questions from

thefridayfive

Color is something I have associated with my writing and with my identity, so I thought these questions would be fun to answer. These answers would definitely be different were I asked them in different years.

1. If you were a crayon, which color would you want to be?
Cinderella blue. #B5D9E8 I have always loved pale blue shades, like 1970s blue eyeshadow. My wedding colors were blue and white.

2. Which color do you think you would be regardless of what you wanted?
Gray or taupe, which I wear nearly every day. In real life, I prefer to blend in.

3. Would you rather be used and get blunt, broken and lose your wrapper, or not be used and stay pristine?
Well, to tell the truth, I’d rather not be used and stay pristine. I think that’s the perfectionist in me. I always looked on my unused or barely-used crayons with pleasure. I hated it when crayons lost their wrappers.

4. Would you rather be in a small set of crayons or a large set?
A large set. I really liked the jumbo-size sets so much. The names were so specific and so exotic to me. Plus it’s easier to kind of get lost in the crowd in a large set. Maybe not get used. LOL.

5. Would you rather be Crayola, or a different brand?
I had to look it up because I wasn’t sure if it was a real memory, but I would definitely like to be in this set of Lady Lovelylocks crayons (even though it’s a small set). I remember even today that there was a “light red” color that fascinated me, because how could something be both light and red?

Recently, I discovered the Victorian-era author of romance fiction, Bertha Clay. I was surprised to find that she was so prolific and that I had never come across any of her works in antique stores. I downloaded one of her books, In Love’s Hands, for my e-reader, and recently started a second, A Mad Love. However, I found myself thinking A Mad Love was very different than In Love’s Hands, and that I liked the first book better. In Love’s Hands was first published in 1903, which is my favorite era for romantic fiction, and A Mad Love was first published in 1879. I did a little more research and learned that A Mad Love is attributed to Charlotte Brame, and In Love’s Hands is not mentioned at all in this extensive bibliography, so as of now, the author is unknown to me. Apparently, Brame’s works were lifted or stolen and republished as Bertha Clay novels in the United States, and other authors were also published under the Bertha Clay name. I thought this was interesting but also discouraging, since it seems that the other authors haven’t been definitively uncovered. Initially, I wanted to read all of or at least many more Bertha Clay’s novels, but not knowing the author of the later novels will likely be a distraction.

I ended up not getting anything at Doll Con Dallas. After I got home, I placed a large order with Dollmore, mostly things for Josette, then messaged a seller on Den of Angels about a Guard Love girl body for Dorothy. In no time, I had both purchases.

On my Mastodon account, @letterstojosette, I posted photos of Josette in a few of her new things, though I have yet to try them all on.

I also posted Dorothy in her new outfit from Aliexpress and new body.

I got Dorothy a delightful crocheted bunny from a vendor called Zendydesigns at the North Texas Irish Festival.

On the reading front, I am nearly done reading volume 17 of Azalea. Wow! If I keep going at this pace, I will accomplish my goal of reading all of them in no time. I have a lot of writing to catch up on, though. I’ve only written about half of what I have read so far.

On the music front, I unsubscribed from YouTube Music again, trying to edge away from companies that have cancelled their DEI policies, and got an Apple subscription instead. It’s introducing different music into my stream, but I haven’t found any new favorites yet. I mostly listen to mandopop and k-pop. New releases with old-school flavor is how I would describe my preferences within those genres.

I’m posting from my cozy hotel room at Doll Con Dallas. My pictures and little details from the day are captured on my Mastodon account, @letterstojosette.

Most of the panels I wanted to attend were today. The only things I really feel I must do tomorrow are Dollie Brekkies and maybe the Swap and Sell meet, although that is so late in the day. I also want to take a photo with Amelia, because I’ve really enjoyed seeing her again. I want to try to get some more pics of Josette in the photography room, too.

The panel I enjoyed the most today was Asenva’s talk on making videos for social media. I can’t believe I used to do that back in the day, but I did have a channel for a little while. It is unbelievably complicated now, and there’s just no way I’m going to do it. The only reason YouTube is in my live is because I can’t reasonably get the breadth of k-pop and mandopop in my life otherwise, I would uninstall the app and never visit again. I wish there did feel like a good way to have a channel or creative outlet somewhere, but I just don’t see that happening now. Still, it was fun to sit in for an hour and dream.

I have bought absolutely nothing. The only thing I really want is another pair of resin eyes… or few. SmartDolls are so huge here, and most of the clothing is for SmartDolls, which is too small for Josette. There was one vendor with some really cool gothy torn shirts that would work fashion-wise for Josette and all of my other 70 cm’s. Mason, too. I would love to see him in something goth.

Also, in the vendor room, I was blown away by this doll. She’s famous enough that I was able to find another photo of her on the Internet. All I know is that she’s made by Logan Dolls. She’s the size of a child, and her sculpt and jointing is truly BJD-like. I also thought she looked like resin when I saw her this afternoon, though it’s hard to imagine the owner would be able to carry her around if she were.

A Single Swallow is really good so far. I thought the idea of a woman’s life being revealed through the narratives of three different men would be kind of unsatisfying since women’s perspectives are one thing I really love in fiction about women. However, the men themselves are interesting. They all agreed to meet as spirits in a certain place after they died, but some died much younger than others, so some have been waiting a long time. I have read a few other books of someone telling a narrative after they died. The story is set against the background of the Second Sino-Japanese War, as was the last book I read and as is the drama I’m currently watching, Winter Begonia. So, I’m definitely grounded in that time period, though I have to admit, it doesn’t seem like too much happens other than war stuff. It would be terrible to say I got used to reading about atrocities, but I do believe I have.

My favorite narrator of the three is Ian. He’s kind of a sprightly boy compared to the more serious other two. One is a doctor and the other is Ah Yan’s childhood friend and technically her husband. They signed the papers as very young people so her mother could adopt him and he could avoid a draft, though he actually was planning to run away and join a different and better army, so, not a reason I ever considered for one avoiding a draft.

There’s a lot of foreshadowing with Ian, and he makes it really clear in the beginning that he did something terrible to Ah Yan, so I wasn’t quite sure what kind of person he was going to be.

Yesterday I finished Lisa See’s novel Shanghai Girls. This was definitely one of the works I enjoyed more from Lisa See, my two favorites being The Tea Girl of Hummingbird Lane and The Island of Sea Women. The element that spoke to me the most was that of Asian American experience and citizenship: Pearl and May’s grueling questioning on Angel Island, their confinement to Los Angeles Chinatown, more or less, depending on the political trends of the decade, and finally, the family’s questioning by the FBI about whether they are Communists, which leads to a tragic result. The novel caused me to see Asian American settlements with new eyes. As a white person, I have always loved them as places where I can get Asian groceries or food from a restaurant, and often with surroundings, that are obviously near-identical to that in another country. In short, they are exotic places to me. I never thought of them as places where people feel stuck because they are not welcome in other parts of the city. I’m thinking a lot of Grand Prairie/Arlington as I write this, since it has a significant Vietnamese district, around Arkansas Lane and Pioneer Parkway. And as far as people being undocumented and sent back to a country they no longer consider home, well, that’s about as 2025 as it gets.

This was published in 2009. When I see how long ago her works were published, I always feel regret I didn’t read them sooner. I put The Island of Sea Women on my Asian American comps list, and I absolutely loved it, then The Tea Girl of Hummingbird Lane was the first novel I read after I graduated. I tend to relate more to these novels that feature close/troubled families rather than strong friendship bonds. As a loner, I can’t relate to the latter too well, but I can relate to close/troubled families in terms of my childhood, I think.

My next read is Zhang Ling’s A Single Swallow. Every time I open my wishlist, my eyes go straight to it, so I thought it was time.

Dorothy wore a cherry-colored ruffled skirt and a white blouse with cherry-colored edging that matched the style of the skirt. Her long, straight black hair fell nearly to her waist, held back from her face with cherry-colored ribbons.

She looked with curiosity around her as we are at the cafe table. I knew the tea and blueberry scone from Starbucks must seem really humble, as did the surroundings of a Starbucks in a Target.

“Mother,” she said, for she decided from the beginning she must call me that, “there’s so much space here, We would have had to wait for a table in Shanghai. And we only waited behind one other family in line. Isn’t that something?”

I thought the wait had taken forever, since one of the women wanted something savory, and everything she had asked for had been out of stock, so I considered Dorothy’s words. “You’ll have to show me around Shanghai one day. It’s going to be a while, probably. But there are similar things we can enjoy in the United States.”

She shrugged. Rather than seeming petulant, it was more like a gesture that shook off my apologetic tone. “There are such wide open spaces here. And the buildings are all just one floor. Everything seems so new here. How old is the town?”

I thought for a moment. “I think it was founded about 125 years ago.”

“Interesting. It has not grown very fast, then.”

She took my hand, endearingly. “Mother, we’ll have lots of adventures here.”

Of course, everywhere we went, Dorothy’s fancy clothing drew glances, but she didn’t really seem to mind. She must have come from a place where she was free to look as she wishes, lost in a crowded sea of people, and safe. I felt envious and hoped her ways wouldn’t change here.

How could she see anything good here? And could she help me see it, too?

My Flynn Doll Lily arrived on Monday from Vietnam. I have been thinking over the past month since purchasing her of what to call her and what her personality would be like. For a while, I thought she would be Mina, but as with many other dolls, I have constructed a persona, then changed my mind.

She arrived on my grandmother's birthday, who would have been 102 Monday. After I put her on her Dream of Doll new girl body, I just let it flow a little bit, and I remembered my grandmother's voice saying the name "Dorothy," who I think had been one of her close friends.

Here is a really quick photo of Dorothy. I mean, really quick. She came with brown eyes that I think suit her very well. I put her in the red and white outfit to celebrate Valentine's Day coming up. And I put on the black human hair wig, which gives her a mussed porcelain doll look. She's still holding on to her stockings, because I didn't have time to put them on her. She also really likes Grumpy Cat. She held onto him throughout the night on my nightstand.

Dorothy has a new wig and outfit coming from Aliexpress, a center-parted black wig and a black camisole and short skirt.

Her face paint is amazing, so realistic and unlike any other doll I have. Her box and paperwork are beautiful as well. I will have to take pictures of those items and give her a proper photo shoot later.

Yesterday afternoon, I greatly enjoyed my porcelain dolls safely ensconced in their bookcase, viewing them as I recovered from a caffeine-withdrawal headache. They are beautiful and comforting and are a link to the past, similar to the porcelain dolls I collected in high school. As I cowered in the pillow and, by degrees, the headache medicine started to work, I wanted to cower before my high school self, as though she is better and wiser than the person now. I thought about the very first time I ever tasted coffee. It was at an honor society banquet we were putting on at the end of my senior year. I was standing in front of the cafeteria line and put the paper cup to my lips. I had added a lot of sugar and powder creamer because the smell had been so repugnant, I feared the taste of it. It was bittersweet, not too bad. It must have been evening, and the coffee must have been for the parents attending the banquet.

I decided to cultivate a taste for coffee after that time, and my bond with tea weakened by degrees ever since.

When I think of my high school self, I think of hot tea, practicing the piano, reading gothic novels, and cross stitching. I think that life must have been so simple then, when I still believed that allergies and panic attacks were forms of hypochondria, though I politely kept my opinions to myself on that. I had only seen one East Asian person in my entire life, a lady named Noriko who took lessons from my piano teacher, and I had never seen a South Asian person before, such that I was in my college honor society for an entire year before I was ever able to figure out what race the other girls in it were. They did not seem to be Hispanic, but I did not know beyond that.

There was a lot I did not know, but I took opportunities to learn, especially about other countries and cultures. A CD-ROM program on the counselor's office computer had different languages to learn, that actually included Turkish, which I was very keen to learn. I had read all about Turkey, and all of the cross-references, too, such as Islam, in my World Books encyclopedia and had written a novel set in my idea of what Turkey must be like.

Graduate school, which was relatively only a few years ago, caused me to feel ashamed to articulate these things: my ignorance, past and present, about other races; my great interest in non-Western literatures and cultures.

This entry is cut short because I have to leave for work, and I have been trying to find something to say to draw everything together. It's hard to make sense right now of anything. What do I want to say? "The killer in me is the killer in you, my love."

Well, it is my lunch break now, and I have little I feel like doing. I have been tired of all of the food I have, and it’s hard to know what to eat, so I am not eating. I will see how that works out this afternoon. Lots of people fast, I guess. I have never tried it.

Anyway, I have felt at a loss to make sense of the present and future of my country. I guess that’s what provoked my musings this morning. I have an issue with people who have a rigid mindset and won’t see another side of things. And after my heated encounter on Thursday, which led to a great degree of musing, shame, and frustration on my part, I wondered how many people around me, when challenged, will prove to be as completely inflexible to another’s reading of a situation.

So far, I have read the feature article “Women’s Literature in South Korea after ‘Feminism Reboot’” by Kim Mijung and the short stories “Blessings” by Kang Hwagil and “The School for Wives” by Park Min-Jung.

I enjoyed how Kim’s article focused on the multiple nature of Korean feminism and the different factions that in some ways conflict with one another. Some focus on the constructed identity of womanhood, while others focus on women’s lived experience without problematizing “woman” as a constructed identity.

“Blessings” was more in the latter group. The story was about a woman’s interactions with her husband’s female relatives and the tensions that are revealed about their lives and their histories. There is a sense that women bear the weight of family histories while men remain detached. The women are bitter and the men blissful and benign. I thought the story was interesting but a little implausible in its characterization of men. There was definitely a strong “family gothic” element, with a number of remnants from the past the main character stumbled upon that were not allowed to be spoken of. The main character contemplates how her unborn (possibly not yet conceived) daughter will inherit this weight of history held by women.

“The School for Wives” focused more thematically on the constructed identity of womanhood with lesbian lovers, Solhye and Son. The storytelling was more abstract and dreamlike, with past and present layering upon each other. Son is a contestant in a top model reality show, and Solhye is burdened and devastated, as she has been throughout their relationship since high school, in others’ inability to recognize Son’s great beauty and superiority. Solhye herself has tended to gravitate toward female-focused collectives, and it was not clear to me if she fell in love with or had feelings for another woman at some point. There is a strong focus on imagery and cinematography, and it would be very interesting to read the story against Walter Benjamin’s theoretical work on “art in the age of mechanical reproduction.”

Mina has thick, curling black hair and brilliant blue eyes.

Her name is similar to the Persian word for lapis lazuli. Her eyes are blue and precious as lapis lazuli, and there is an inherent value in her that is evident in her presence and is similar to the immensely valuable mineral.

Mina hates conformity and loves multiplicity. Multitudes are our natural state. Conformity is a means of control. Mina is here to vanquish the controllers.

Mina was born from the tears of an angel who was overcome by the wasteland and the corruption that has swept the planet. With Mina’s birth, new life ways have come to the earth. Born from the soil of Texas where an angel’s tears fell, Mina was nourished by the beautiful windswept fields and hills in the central region. Her essence lingered near a graveyard and was imbued with the love of ancestors who entrusted her with wisdom and energy.

Mina never grew out of her narcissistic phase. Her individualism, her identity, is of supreme importance to her.

The beautiful land of Texas has always been so powerful, a leader to the other states. For a time it became parched with greed, fear, and falsehoods. But a wind of change swept through with Mina’s birth.

She is joined in a holy marriage and alliance with Leslie Walker, who rejuvenated the Church of Satan in the land of Texas and used the faith to solve problems of broken ecosystems, homelessness, and persecution of minorities that long plagued the land. The prevalence of the Church of Satan has put an end to the stronghold of white suburban mega churches that once preached a doctrine of wealth. Texas’ true nature has been revealed as a nourishing land of abundant nature.

Texas is a worldwide magnet for its famous vegan barbecue and is now the vegan capital of the world. Centuries of perfected barbecue sauce now complement the world’s most delicious vegan proteins. Mina’s husband, Leslie, has helped to popularize oatmilk as a delicious and rejuvenating base for lattes. The Black trans man founder of Texas’ first vegan barbecue company, which has a multitude of fast followers, is the richest person in America and a close advisor to the President.

Mina is an energy and a force of inspiration. She has brought back the art of home sewing. Now that the standard work week is 20 hours long, sewing one’s own clothing according to one’s individual tastes and expressions has become extremely popular. Mina herself loves to make aprons and usually wears an apron as an emblem of the health and spiritual value of cooking at home from scratch.

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The snow blossoms

when the student is ready, the teacher will appear

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